God leads us where he wants us to be. Our response is choosing to take the first step. I have been doing the Confident Heart study for my quiet time. Honestly I would tell you in no uncertain terms that I am very confident.
This week’s chapter 5 “Living Beyond the Shadow of My Doubts” pose and interesting question
How many times today did you wonder if you were measuring up to someone’s expectations of you?
My first inclination was to respond no, I am not trying to measure up, but God once again intervened and I saw myself clearly.
That wonder implies I feel like those around me are judging me. In the section titled “Getting Past Our Past” I think about what causes me to doubt I am measuring up to the expectations of others.
People who suffer with chronic pain often feel judged and we know that most healthy people do not understand.
Pain is very personal. It cannot be seen, or experience by another. Others have to either accept on face value what you say, unlike a broken leg that can be seemed.
I always fear this judgment with new people and doctors as I have felt the accuser’s sting many times.
With drug addiction on the rise and drug dealers posing as doctors people who deal with chronic pain consistently have to prove the impossible.
In response to a question about my health I once replied, “I feel like taking a hammer and hitting my head with it, the pain would be less.” I was told to stop talking nonsense.
There are times when the metaphors that best describe my pain make me sound like I should be committed or I am suicidal.
Let me assure you that is not the case although I long to go home and be with my Father, where pain will not exist for me. I am very committed to glorying Him in the life He has given me.
My vice and chosen sin has always been one of PRIDE.
I have always wanted so badly to be like every body else. I have asked God many times Why me? Why can I not be one of those people who are always healthy and never experience pain? I have suffered with migraines my entire life. Forty-one years and they are getting worse.
I should be thankful that this is how I was made in the image of God, perfect in His site.
But then comes the call for Community.
Community is hard for chronic pain sufferers.
They can make you feel welcome or strange, different and excluded. Sometimes community just does not understand and they judge you less than or place expectations on you.
I confess that when I open my eyes at 4:30 my first thought is how bad is my head hurting today. When I muster the courage to get out of bed and my feet hit the cold floor, I am already thinking how many pills will I need to make it through today.
Between trying to have a clear head in a drug fog, feeling like a drug addict, and taking care of my boys I am not willing to push through the pain of traffic and car lights to join any community. Sometimes, I wish community would come to me, other times I want pain free solace.
Many days lately I have thought about Leanna, one of the reason I started my blog, I cried for her dying and leaving behind a wonderful husband and two very young children, but then I realized how blessed she was to have died so young and no longer has the pain of this world.
Revelation 9:6
During those days men will seek death,but will not find it;they will long to die,but death will elude them.
I daily remind myself that it is not about me but about Christ who died for me
38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I long for community. I am thankful when I think of how many of you pray for me.
- I long to commune with you more fully.
- To encourage you to choose what is best.
- To embrace what God has placed before you.
When I choose not to honor how the creator made me because of what others might think. When I attend events and push my body beyond what it can stand I am not honoring God or creating an honest community.
I choose not to live a lie. I choose to accept all that God has given me with honest thanksgivings.
